Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
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The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I think the cat got the dog high.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.