Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
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My favorite type of men is ramen.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.