Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.