ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Rather alarming headline…
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent