me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
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My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
how to market bottled water to dads