Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I’m not stressed
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled