Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.