Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
You Might Also Like
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”