Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true