Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
a public service announcement
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.