Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I never needed anything more in my life
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks