Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
This sounds bad:
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.