ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Butt weight. There’s more!
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
All generalizations are stupid.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot