ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My teenage children choosing violence
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest