It will turn green in
Ah yes nailed it.
me: [gets on one knee]
me: [reaches into pocket]
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.