me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
and now we wait
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
it’s the silliest best thing
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.