Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

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Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?


If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.


My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.


[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]


11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.


Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.


“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.


“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.


[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first