Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.
Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first