Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
same vibe as tangled headphones
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on