me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
You Might Also Like
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”