Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
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I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot