me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
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When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Namaste
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm