[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
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I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
this chia pet tastes awful
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.