ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.