Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
mechanics be like
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Shoo shoo! 😂
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.