me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
no such thing as a dumb question
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.