Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
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The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Wake me when AI does housework
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.