ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
You Might Also Like
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?