*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Hank is one in a melon.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
it be like that