Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”