Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.