Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
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Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
It’s an epidemic…
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire