Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]