Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.