Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?