Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Print is alive and well!!!
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so