ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
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Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months