Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…