All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
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the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.