@riot4rach

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

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@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@Jest_Iris

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

@ChefRonSullivan

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

@suedechukka

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

@MattMcC1

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@Marlebean

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

@noog

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

@Brampersandon_

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

@TheAlexNevil

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”