Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Ha
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.