ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
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Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
nobody’s gonna understand
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.