ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.