[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT