Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.