Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
A French press is when you hug naked
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly