@liljonlovitz

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

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@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@Marlebean

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@fowlerism

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

@dogfather

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

@UncleDuke1969

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

@eddiesnextwife

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

@truegritrumble

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

@TopherKearby

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.