me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.