Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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The A string on my guit_r is flat
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
December birthdays be like…
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s