Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Tell me you get it…🤣
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Pringles
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?