Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
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“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
i smell a pulitzer