Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
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I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan