Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit