Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

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When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?


No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything


If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie


Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.


There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.


Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”


Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.


Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.


*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere


*Deletes Facebook