@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

You Might Also Like

@thepunningman

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@jonnysun

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

@ellieholcomb

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

@English_Channel

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

@BillFienberg

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.