Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.


Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?


my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted


Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /


this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time


Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.