When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere