@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

You Might Also Like

@GrabTheWEness

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

@my_minivan_life

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

@bobsin

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

@Bob_Heller

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

@Aspersioncast

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

@primawesome

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

@ACartoonCat

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

@PaperWash

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook