Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I’ve been learning to cook.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?